Honest Thoughts: 7 Days Postpartum

I’m 7 days postpartum.

Milk trapped under the chunky boy, ravenous beast, little monster… All said with more love than I ever thought possible, he’s got a lot of names already for only being 7 days fresh.

7 days since my heart doubled in size. 1 week of loving on the newest Wise. And while I appreciate every second spent close to him—this little—with no real to-dos, my mind keeps adding more to my list.

You should vacuum.

You need to clean out your closet.

The cracker jar is empty.

Get started on dinner.

Pull out your camera and create some content… Remember all those plans you didn’t have mental or physical capacity to follow through with before M’s arrival? They’re still sitting in your Notion dashboard ready to go.

Stand up and go back to life as usual as quickly as possible.

Clearly, this lounging and healing thing is tough for me.

Motherhood is simultaneously the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the most rewarding.

Mama is my favourite title.

Milk Factory—my nickname while breastfeeding babies—is a challenging job to hold, but it feels so good knowing I get to help my boys grow. Learning patience and to enjoy the mundane is a lesson I’m still working on. I thought I’d Figured It Out with a capital F after my first was born, but am learning even more now with my second son.

Then there’s the question of: How are you feeling?

Torn. That’s the best answer I can come up with so far.

My double-sized heart is also now split in two, and while half is asleep in my arms, the other half is asking “Mommy come?” when leaving for the park with his dad.

My mind races while my core sits broken, so my body can’t physically keep up with where my brain wants me to go.

And my career feels like it was interrupted again.

But then there’s him and his baby coos and snorts that make it all okay.

Like most female entrepreneurs, I have an unwavering pull to be productive and to keep working towards my goals. There’s no time to waste time, and sitting on the couch feeding a baby can feel unproductive some days… You’re just sitting around, right?

Logically, I know this is one of the most productive and important things I can do. Developing secure attachment. Providing nourishment. But staying in the same spot for hours each day starts to weigh on my mind that wants to move.

I want momentum. Action. To check things off my list and hit my next level.

Which now leads me to question what my next level is: What if this is it?

What if instead of working more and pushing harder to bring in more revenue for my business, my next level includes truly working on myself. I’ve been doing the internal work for a while now, but still find myself feeling these itches of not-enoughness, so maybe this is the universe’s way of forcing me to finally and fully face that.

Rather than feeling stuck, it can be a welcomed moment of stillness in a normally busy life..

Instead of looking outwards to do more and accomplish more, it can be a time of self-acceptance and peace with what is.

One sure thing about these 7 days postpartum: I can confirm that the loss of autonomy is less jarring the second time around. Baby M fits easily into the space his brother carved in the nook of my elbow over the last 23 months. I’ve been here before. I know that my boys will never be as little or need me as much as they do today. I know that every day is temporary—the good and the hard—and that’s equally relieving and heartbreaking all at the same time.

No wonder the midwives check on my emotional state with each home visit.

I don’t say “bad” because I don’t think there’s bad in motherhood. Just hard things. Things that push you to your limits. But I also believe that we aren’t given challenges we can’t overcome.

For me, one of those challenges has been both of my birth experiences. Both could be classified as traumatic. Both left their mark. And thankfully, both resulted in healthy, happy boys.

Maybe one day I’ll share those stories, but for now I’m still processing.

The point is that while I logically know the only things I need to be doing in this season are resting and keeping a newborn happy, I’m struggling with wanting to do more.

So I let myself in small moments throughout the day.

I baked bread and sourdough crackers. Got on the ground to play with B. Tidied in small bursts between cluster feeds around the clock.

With each day that passes, I feel a little better. And I’m starting to see that maybe I am doing enough by shaping a tiny human’s introduction to our world. Counting diaper changes and feeds that turn into clusters so long it’s not worth counting anymore… He’s growing and learning that his mama will always be there when he calls for her.

Maybe that’s productive enough.